If you’re anything like me, you like definite answers and everything has to be set in stone. So when life throws you a curve ball you don’t know how to act and you lash out compulsively. DONT DO THAT! What you don’t realize until all the chaos has settled is that it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. That you yourself could’ve prevented it. Some of us have this stigma that we need to be the suit ion to every problem or that we have the answers. That there is a rational explanation or some calculation as to why issues occur and that a solution is always present. Not only that but we ourselves have to be that solution. In this scheme of ours we are the hero and the savior, but in the end we become the villain. It’s important to check your thoughts and to really really get over your own ego. What’s more important is to not project our own insecurities directly into the ones we love. Not only is it not their fault but it’s a cowardly way to go. Take responsibility and handle your emotions with brute force. You control them, they don’t control you. Every decision made is your own and you can stop the bad ones from happening. I can only see now that my relationships suffer when I try to force my way into them. I need to understand that TIME is the only solution. TIME itself is relative to recovery. No matter how much my thoughts and ideas cloud my judgement, I must hang on to the light that shines through because ink then will I be happy and get what I want. To be a true friend/lover/brother i must be accepting and willing to put my feeling aside to let theirs mend. Even if I’m removed from the equation completely. What ruins everything is giving up on hope. Hope may be silly and it may be cliche, but it’s strong and bold. If hope is lost then all is lost. And it is not ok for me to allow myself to be satisfied with my life ending. Life is beautiful and disastrous at the same time. But the beauty in life always triumphs. Love is a fickle thing but it is what we all desire as humans. It is pain. Pain that you never want to get rid of, it reminds you that you have a soul and that there is something here for you. Love is acceptance. Accepting that your methods and ideas of life are not the same for everyone else and you accept others choices. You not only accept but you embrace them and try to work with what you’re given. Love only brings te port happiness when you really think about it. But to us that te port happiness can be stretched to a life time. This is all just a rant but it’s helping me see things clearly. There is someone I love very much and I continue to break her heart instead of mending it. I do this because I’m scared of mine being broken. Little did I realize until now that as I rip her apart, mine rips symmetrically beside hers. I want to be her hero but I can only do that by being my own. If TIME is the only solution, then I guess I better get comfortable with that idea. Not everything has to have a meaning or reason, I just need to accept that. After all, it’s what I promised. It’s selfish of me to pressure her or make her feel guilty of her own feelings.
I am me, and you are you. If we end up together, then that is beautiful.
Depression is stupid and not a thing that makes me a better writer. One time I went a whole year without writing and I stayed in bed and drank. Fuck your Bukowskisms. I want sunlight and love and running down some street I’ve never been on where it’s warm and cool at the same time and I’m smiling. I want nothing to ever be bad again- and I don’t mean that I want a life free of conflict, I mean that I want a life free of meaningless conflict. Not being able to will oneself to take a shower or leave the house is meaningless. There is nothing to be gained, no lesson to be learned from that kind of life. My heart is stale, my prose is stale. Give me fire if you want to hurt me. Give me something I can taste. There’s nothing romantic or mysterious about where I am. There’s nothing here worth holding onto.
shoutout to my pets for knowing when i’m sad and upset and giving me unconditional love and attention